


Seeking

by ununoriginal



Category: GLAY
Genre: M/M, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 1999-10-20
Updated: 1999-10-20
Packaged: 2017-12-14 09:40:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,466
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/835475
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ununoriginal/pseuds/ununoriginal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harbouring our own secret.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Seeking

I discovered something recently.

I have no idea entirely how I found out.  Nobody hinted it – nobody knows.  And you sure as hell would die first then let slip this ultimate secret of yours.

So how on earth did I realise this monumental revelation?

As I said before, I don’t know.

Maybe it’s because we’ve finally become closer, a little more open with each other.  More willing to share, give way and compromise.  Though now in retrospect, I wonder how much of your obstinacy and general jerk-ass attitude towards me was truly you and how much was just mere self-protection.

It’s too incredible, really.  I would never have believed it a few years ago -- no, even if it were a year ago.

But you’ve thawed, because I know that on my end, I didn’t contribute much.  I was still too wary of you then, and Takuro’s too good a friend for me to put in a spot over our arguments.

Maybe the success of Glay played a part.  Not to say that now our stresses and pressures have been reduced.  On the contrary, I think they’ve never been greater.  But in a perverse, masochistic sort of way, I enjoy it – the challenge it presents.

Not all of us feel the same way, of course.  I’m sure we’re all aware of how sore Teru can get over the price of fame these few days.

Teru…  You’re so close with him that I used to wonder if the two of you… even after he married and had kids.  And okay, I confess that when he divorced last year, the old suspicions reared their heads again.

But am I wrong in thinking that way?  Frankly, I think the two of you are good together.  I’m a Libran, and we’re romantics deep within, regardless of the idiotic exterior we display for public scrutiny.

Now I know nothing happened, of course – on your end, that is.  But I like to persist in my non-realistic belief that you had an inadvertent hand in Teru’s break, both with his wife and the Puffy girl.

I’m rambling, and digressing way off track.

Where was I?…  Oh, yeah, success, fame and all that crap.  Now that I’m contented, and less driven – people always think it’s great to be at the top, but it’s not true, is it? – and place less emphasis on such material achievements, my eyes have managed to be pried open further to see what’s truly worth it in life.

Especially in a life such as ours, where we can never really be sure if the people who approach us do so because of ourselves instead of some ulterior motive.

It’s a rather sickening way to live life, isn’t it?  Basically being on guard against everyone around you.  But you can’t go around being trusting either, it’s too easy to stupidly fall prey to those circling sharks that way.

What it all boils down to is a case of you’re damned if you do, and you’re damned if you don’t.

I think I’m beginning to see why the three of you always complain I can’t concentrate, and that my attention span is one of the shittiest ever.  Let me get back to the real topic on hand.

I _am_ glad we have drawn closer, it makes me feel that Glay has become more cohesive as a band compared to our earlier days, and I guess everyone’s happier that the frequency of bickering and cold wars is dropping.

I can see more of you as a person now.  The walls of protection are coming down and the mirrors I’ve placed in my heart with all their false reflections are shattering.

It’s amazing how much more you can accept a person once you work past the initial prejudice.  I was a fool, a stubborn asshole, to cling on to my erroneous views for so damn long.

I’ve come to accept the things you do and the ways you behave, no longer as chronic flaws you are perpetually unable to correct, but as just a part of you.

Remember all those times when Takuro said we were rather alike?  Man, was I pissed off then.  It’s different now, you know, sometimes when I hear that phrase, I feel… quite proud, actually.

So perhaps that’s why your feelings became considerably more obvious to me, after I was willing to open my eyes and see.

Nobody else realises – your mask and control are almost inhumanly perfect, but I’ve discovered that I can slip past the minute chinks easily enough.

And I gradually began to get tiny inklings of suspicion, but they were so improbable, I would have dismissed them, if not for the confirmation you unwittingly gave me.

That last day at the Dome, when we were in the fitting room, I was catching some shuteye on the couch while you were just strumming the guitar desultorily.  Nobody else was there, and it was uncharacteristically quiet and peaceful for once.  The first bout of serenity I’d experienced in 4 days.  Not that I’m really grouching – everyone knows how much I love the lives.

I had on my shades then, and my hat with the brim pulled low down to virtually cover my eyes, and it seemed that I couldn’t see anything from under it.  At least you apparently thought so, but from my position, your face was actually directly in my line of sight.

I’d slept for quite a while, and the slumber was wearing off, its hold on me loosening, setting me adrift in that ambiguous realm between waking and dreaming, when dreams seem the most real, and reality can become fantasy.

You had stopped playing, which was probably why I stirred, sensitive to the changes in the sound waves around me.  My eyelids flickered open, then shut.

It was a few seconds later that the image left behind registered.  Your mask had slipped, and in that barest instant, I saw…

I came wide awake then.  Cautiously, I peered through my eyelashes again – after all, it _could_ have been just my overactive imagination, but I highly doubt even I could come up with something like that.

Some people say a single tiny event is enough to shake you, change you, turn your world and what you believe in upside down.  I didn’t think it would ever be applicable to me.  But those two glimpses of your face then – the yearning, the resignation, the regret, the anguish… the tenderness and vulnerability…

I must have gasped, or jerked, or something – so unexpected was this shock, and you looked away, fingers automatically plucking the guitar once more.

I’ve never seen that expression since then.

I can’t really pinpoint why I’m so sure, other than the feeling, the utter conviction that it’s real.  I could never have imagined you like this.  Never thought that you would feel this way toward me.

It sounds a bit like I’m having delusions, right?  But I just can’t seem to think any other way.  It just feels so… wrong, otherwise.  But in saying that this is right, am I admitting something about myself?  A facet I was never even aware I possessed?

I still don’t know what to think.  You’ve put me in a whirl of confusion.  Maybe that’s just retribution for all the times I unknowingly hurt you.

Will anything ever come out of this?  Something so improbable?  Yet, I believe it indicates something that I don’t find all this repulsive, that I’m even contemplating this notion.

Maybe one day…  But not at this point in time… no, it’s too sudden, and too bloody unexpected.  And that’s just it, too sudden and unexpected – throwing me off balance with the direction of the blow – not disgusting, not unnatural, not an abomination.

I’ve been doing loads of thinking since then. Staring into thin air is really an amazingly swift way for time to fly by.  I guess you guys must have been wondering what the hell is wrong with me. 

And I’ve developed this idea that I was meant to find out about how you feel.  It’s as if whoever’s up/out there doesn’t want you to suffer indefinitely anymore (which reminds me of something else that’s plaguing me, when _did_ you begin to see me in a different light?), and has acted to give you an answer, hopefully in the near future, although you’re totally unaware of it.

I say hopefully in the near future because, now, I can’t let you know that I know.  You’re not ready for it, and… I’m not ready for it.  I still have to seek an answer within myself before I can decide what to do.

So I’ve been behaving as normally as possible, and we’ll continue as we have, only now each of us harbours our own secret.


End file.
